


I Thought I Knew Us

by gyeuihlfnkd



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parenting, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bobby Nash Being a Dad, Child Abuse, Domestic Fluff, Dyslexia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Heavy Angst, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, I am the worst at tagging it has been so long, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Protective Eddie Diaz, Protective Maddie Buckley, Suicide Attempt, and therapy, but also hugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24054097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyeuihlfnkd/pseuds/gyeuihlfnkd
Summary: There was a humming under Buck’s skin.At first, he thought it was the purr of his Jeep’s engine but, no, there was an almost tangible itch under his skin. This being his first 48 hour shift since being back at the station some nerves might be understandable. But his leg felt good and his doctor gave him the all clear. So why did he feel so on edge?
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 29
Kudos: 210





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [On The Market](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23501503) by [Lion_Turtle_of_Light](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lion_Turtle_of_Light/pseuds/Lion_Turtle_of_Light). 



> It has been years since I have written and/or posted anything so be honest, but also nice. <3
> 
> \- mads

There was a humming under Buck’s skin. 

At first, he thought it was the purr of his Jeep’s engine but, no, there was an almost tangible itch under his skin. This being his first 24-hour shift since being back at the station some nerves might be understandable. But his leg felt good and his doctor gave him the all-clear. So why did he feel so on edge?

_(Nothing’s different, idiot, you’ll just be here a little longer.)_

As he cruised into his usual parking spot he tried to collect himself and transfer his jitters into the bubbly trademark attitude that made Hen and Chim tease him endlessly. He got out of his car and tossed a casual glance towards the space next to his. Eddie needed to stay home with Chris, a bug had gone around at school and Chris had been vomiting with a fever all night. Carla wasn’t available, Pepa was in Texas visiting the rest of the Diaz clan, and his Abuela went with her.

That is why yesterday at noon when Buck answered his phone he was met with an out of breath Eddie Diaz.

“Hello?”

“Hey! Oh my god, I am so fucking glad you answered.” Buck could hear Eddie slam a car door and the faint sound of crying, “Listen, I am so sorry and I know you are probably busy but do you have the number of the agency Carla used to work for?”

“Um, I… hold on I-” Buck was thrown by the question, he only knew Carla through Abby, but Chris’ cries in the background sent him into panic mode and he was up off his couch in seconds.

He goes on to tell Buck about Carla and her husband having to go see her mother in Georgia because she wasn’t feeling well, Chris getting sick not too long after, and Pepa and Abuela being in Texas. He had been on his own for days and didn’t say a word. Now, with Chris being sick, he was desperate. 

Buck listened as well as he could while jamming one foot into a shoe.

“You know what it’s fine, don’t worry we’ve got it. Right, bud?” Eddie called back to distressed Chris, clearly trying more to convince himself. 

Buck knew how much pressure he felt to do right by Chris while never asking for help because of his parents' scrutiny. So, whenever he knew Eddie needed him, he made it simple.

“What do you need?”

Twelve hours, two arguments about how much he owes Buck, which to Buck is nothing, and three coffees later Buck is sitting in the station ready to do his and Eddie’s shift.

_(That’s probably why I’m on edge, Eddie is…)_

Buck doesn’t let himself finish the thought; moreover, he had been doing the job for over a year before Eddie came along. Why was he so damn anxious today?

“Buckley!”

His head whipped up as he heard his name get called from above. He caught Bobby’s eye, and his head motioned silently towards his office. Bobby has mastered the unreadable face. 

All Buck knows is that it could be about anything at this point.

As he climbs the stairs he tries to remember the last stupid thing he did and when he draws blanks, digs deeper because god knows that can’t be true. When he finally sits in front of Bobby his knee bounces in anticipation for whatever was so serious they required the sanctity of Bobby’s office to talk about it.

“So,” Bobby had his glasses on his nose making him look like a cliche sitcom dad, “ long story short, Buck, you need to renew your EMT certification,” Bobby said lightly.

Buck freezes up and suddenly he realizes why he felt so anxious about coming in to work today.

_///_

_“I know you are itching to get back out there, but an injury this severe paired with you being benched for so long, the marshal is going to want you to renew your certification,”_

_Bobby has stopped by Buck’s apartment to deliver the news. At first Buck was glad for the company, after Ali left the loft felt a little empty, but now he thinks a little alone time would suit him just fine.  
_

_His knee started to bounce, he hadn’t had an easy time getting EMT certified is all Bobby knows. Buck tries not to think of the look on Bobby’s face once he hears that on top of being injured, reckless, over-emotional, and very, well, ‘Buck’. He was also hiding the fact-_

_“I am trying my best to get him to waive the EMT written exam but the CPAT is non-negotiable. I probably won’t know until March about the exam, I’ll let you know then,”_

_For the first time since Bobby started talking tests, Buck let out a troubled breath. His secret was now a problem for March._

_///_

The last time he had been on duty it was April 30th, now it was March 3rd.

“I know, I know, but the man is putting his foot and this time you have years of experience to go with all the reading that you’ll be doing, that’ll make it easier Buck, I swear,”

Buck internally winced, it wasn’t Bobby’s fault he made the dumb decision to not trust his captain. The cold weight of guilt and dread piled in his stomach as he suddenly found his shoes fascinating.

Without looking up, Buck started to speak in a shaky voice, “Bobby, I, I am so sorry.” He took another deep breath.”I’m-”

The siren blared, cutting into the thick tension and bringing Buck out of his head and back into the chair too small for his leggy body. He instinctively gets up and moves towards the door and his hand is on the handle when Bobby's voice stops him.

“This conversation isn’t over,”

And when Buck looked back, under Bobby's usual unreadable Captain Mask, he swore he saw a hint of concern.

Well, that is a problem reserved for after this call.

_///_

The day was unusually busy, they went from call to call for a few hours not once stopping at the station. The small unnerving feeling he had coming into work has vamped into a full-blown-anxiety-attack in Bobby’s office. After the morning he had, one would think that the distraction promised by a full day of work would be welcome. Usually it would, but the knowledge that he would have to tell Bobby his greatest shame loomed over him.

Normally, he had witty responses to Hen and Chim’s jests but he was too busy trying to let their harmless comments roll off his back. Their jokes about him being too dumb to take his own SAT or read and write at all, usually were met with playful rebuttals.

Today, they hit a little different. It was all fun and games until it felt like the entire world decided it was Fuck Evan Buckley Day. After that, it was less fun, way less fun.

Nevertheless, Buck was, surprisingly, keeping it together. He was stressed out of his mind, but he stayed focused and let the familiar sound of Bobby, Hen, and Chimney fucking around on the ladder keep him grounded. 

And his technique was working, up until the last call of the day.

They arrived on the scene and as soon as Buck’s boots hit the pavement he noticed something was not right. The street was serene except for the siren on the ladder and a police car parked on a meticulously manicured lawn. The call was supposedly a raging house fire, but seeing as though Athena hurried out of the two-story house with a front-facing balcony completely un-charred... Buck figured something was funky.

When Athena saw the truck she quickly made her way over to Bobby to fill him in on what the hell was going on. He nodded twice and turned to the team with a steely resolve.

“Hen, Chim, you two go with Athena, bring a medkit,” as Bobby listed off duties, Buck caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of his eye, just as Buck began to turn his head towards the window of the house from whence it came Bobby focused on him.

“Buck!” Buck snapped back to reality as Bobby’s stern gaze came into focus, He sees that Hen and Chimney are gone now. “Buck, you're with me and I need you focused.”

Bobby fixed him with his resolute no-nonsense look and once again Buck was reminded of what would come when he got back to the station. 

_(How could I be so stupid? I had to know someone would find out eventually? Come on Buck get-)_

“Do you understand the situation?” Bobby stared intensely into Buck’s eyes, “Where is your head today kid? You know what, stay on the truck,” Bobby stalked towards the house without casting back a single glance at Buck’s discouraged form. 

Feeling thoroughly scolded, Buck watched Bobby slip past an overweight man, who looked like how gasoline smells, wearing a wifebeater and suspiciously stained sweatpants, get carted away by Athena. Frozen in his spot from Bobby’s earlier chastising he almost didn’t see the boy move in the window of the second floor again. 

Almost.

Buck’s feet carried him to the balcony of the imposing house before and he saw a teenage boy looking worse for wear staring over the edge of the railing. It might have been the way the boy’s eyes glazed over or his agitated but determined demeanor, but Buck knew what he was about to do.

Before the teenager could get one leg off the ground Buck was there yelling up from the ground.

“Don’t! Don’t jump!”

The boy was startled and looked around wildly for the source of the voice, having not registered Buck’s presence before.

“I’m down here!” Buck called up, loudly, the boy wearily made eye contact, “What’s your name?” 

“James,” said the boy, just above a whisper. 

Buck looked around the scene where Hen, Chim, and Bobby were nowhere to be found and Athena had carted off what Buck assumed to be James’ father. He figured he had one chance to get this kid off the ledge or this would end badly, so he took a deep breath and tried to focus on the task at hand.

“Hi, James, my name is Buck,” he motioned to himself trying to seem less imposing to the frightened young man, “And I know you are scared and probably feel alone, but what you’re about to do can’t change that. If you come down-,”

“He’s gonna kill me,” James interrupts and starts pacing again, the shock of Buck’s appearance wearing off. “I am so dumb, he was right I’m so fucking stupid!”

Snot was running down the the boys face, and Buck was getting close enough to get a better look. He was tugging at his hair so it stuck up in little dark brown tufts on his head, James’ arms were covered in dried blood. Buck prayed it wasn’t his.

( _Jesus, he looks, like, sixteen)_

And for a moment, Buck is lost in another time where he and James were both standing on the edge of a solution.

(Get _your shit together, Buck your on the job_ )

"No, Don't say that! It's not true, you're," Buck searched for the words and found the ones he needed most at James' age, "you are enough."

James paused for a moment his eyes starting to glass over

"Not to them," and then even louder but still exhausted, " Not to him!"

James’ voice echoed through the neighborhood as he tugged more at his hair and paced the wooden terrace. In seconds Buck was reminded of his turmoil from this past morning and how he had been feeling equally as dimwitted.

Buck had a feeling when he saw James' greasy excuse of a father get carted out by Athena that he was, to put it nicely, a piece of shit. But the pain in James' voice, how he echoed the words Buck knew were spewed at him by his father. It reminded Buck too much of a young, knock-kneed kid from Hershey Pennsylvania. How plenty of people tore him down for how he was different. Buck felt all this in seconds, and that was all it took.

In his brief moment of hesitation, James took a running start.

And he jumped.

_///_

If Buck had been listening to his Captain's debriefing, he would’ve known that it really was a fake fire that had been called in from this address.

Athena recognized the address from a previous wellness check that seemed off to her. She realized she was close by, and made it on the scene first.

When she arrived she found a rather disturbing, unfortunately familiar, scene. The door was unlocked and a large, sweaty lump of a man lied at the bottom of the staircase. The older boy, James, had pushed him to protect his younger brother, Peter, from his own father’s belligerence. 

The younger brother then called the police with the fake fire story because daddy told him ‘what happens at home, stays at home’. But, seeing as there was no real fire at home, and Bubba was hurt. Peter figured the potentially incriminating loophole was worth it.

Hen and Chim went in to check on James’ younger brother, and Bobby and Buck were supposed to find James on account of Athena remembering there were two boys, that Peter had an older brother.

Bobby had just cleared the first floor when James took his life.

They were both seconds too late.

_///_

The last couple of hours before the shift ended, the team prepared dinner in silence barring the clinks and clanks of pots and pans. The weight of the loss was heavy on everyone's hearts, but none carried a load as tasking as Buck’s. James’ words haunted him. It had been a long time since he had let anyone get under his skin, but seeing James made him ponder if he was any different than him. Standing on the brink, wondering why he just wasn’t good enough, to get something, anything right.

Buck’s mind mulled over this as he helped Bobby peel potatoes and let the mindless repetition of cooking lull him into a false sense of security.

The day wasn’t over yet.

In hindsight, Buck knows that Hen and Chim meant well, but considering the hell that was today, he didn't have it in him to be easy-breezy Buck. So, when they started picking at him to cheer him up it didn’t take much to push him off the edge.

“Anyone reading any good books lately, I’m trying to read more,” a random probie from the next shift piped up. 

“I am," Buck responded with ease,"I’ve been listening to this audiobook-”

“Oh! you got me there for a second, Pretty boy,” Hen laughed.

Chim chimed in nudging Buck a little “Buck, the girl wants a book, not another shitty true crime podcast”

On a normal day, Buck would have a response, something easy and light.

_”Ha, I’ll have you know, podcasts are for intellectuals, you wouldn’t know that you troglodyte,”_

They would rib him for the big word, and the conversation would move on seamlessly.

But instead, his ears began to get hot, he shifted in his seat uncomfortably, and silently willed for it to be tomorrow. 

Sensing his discomfort, Hen and Chim moved the conversation along, not knowing what caused Buck’s sudden discomfort, but rage and shame mixed dangerously underneath Buck’s skin. The conversation washed over him and with his mind racing, he didn’t even notice that the rest of the team had moved on.

( _I hate that I’m ashamed of it. That something, someone, from so long ago has this hold over me that, honestly, until today I didn’t even realize was still there. Yes, I like fucking audiobooks because actual reading makes my head spin. It's better than nothin', and, shit, I'm not even mad at them. I'm mad at him because it’s ten years later and I still can't get my shit together. I’m mad at myself because today someone died becuase of it. The fucker is dead, Jesus Christ! Why am I still so sensitive? God! I have dyslexia, I’m dumb, who gives a fuck! Me, apparently!)_

Buck takes approximately 30 seconds to notice the unnerving silence at the table, and half that to realize he said everything out loud. 

The entire team stared at him like a sideshow. Hen and Chim guiltily looked down at their half empty plates and Bobby’s mouth kept opening and closing like a fish on dry land. Sometime during his embarrassingly public rant he stood up clenching his napkin in white knuckles.

Bobby tried to break the silence.

“Buck,” he said slowly as if not to spook him, “Son, I think-”

Buck eyed the clock and swiftly interrupted Bobby’s thought.

“Shift’s over,” he said.

Buck high tailed his ass out of there, getting his locker clear in record timing. As he got in his car, closed the door on his Jeep, and rested his head on the steering wheel he could only think one thing.

( _shit)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May 4 11:36 pm  
> Eds: thanks again for taking my shift!
> 
> Yesterday 12:03 am  
> Eds: hey, heard what happened, r u good? Call me when u get this
> 
> Yesterday 12:47 am  
> Eds: Call me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!
> 
> There is more talk of suicide in this chapter but it is more than in the previous one so be mindful of your mental state before you read. 
> 
> I had a total different direction for this chapter but I decided to rewrite it, which is why it is so late, to show more love to the sibling dynamic. This whole coronavirus mess has kept me from my sibling and I am big sad about it.
> 
> Enjoy and Comment!

Buck was currently trying to disappear into his couch. 

He smelled like a sewer rat because he didn’t have the energy to walk upstairs and take a shower. So there he sat, felt sorry for himself, wondering how the day got so shitty, so fast. 

After spending all day trying not to make a big deal out of his dyslexia, he ended up giving an oscar worthy, melodramatic speech in front of the entire firehouse. When he crossed the threshold of his apartment he was still reeling. Compounded with the residual shame from his embarrassing public confession and what happened at the last call of the shift. 

The day had felt more like a week.

The last call was at the epicentre of Buck’s intrusive thoughts. Every time he so much as blinked James’ face was branded on to his eyelids. His legs and arms sprawled on the pavement blood slowly pooling around his lifeless body. 

Buck usually took losses a little harder than the rest of the crew. He’s always been bleeding heart, but he knew that the team could tell this one cut deeper. Even though they didn’t know why, he knew Bobby and the rest of the 118 had probably been calling him nonstop. Which is why for the last hour Buck has left his phone on silent, and sat on his couch staring into nothing. His mind darts from thought to thought desperately trying to find a way to rebury the emotions dug up by today’s events. 

Regardless, he can’t stop the train of thought that comes. 

_(Does Eddie know? Of course he does, someone on the crew had to have spread the gossip to the Diaz household by now.)_

Buck’s fingers stretch towards his phone but he draws his hand back.

_(Eddie is taking care of Christopher; he shouldn’t have worry about me too right now.)_

Buck tries to push his best friend out of his mind because everything Buck feels for the man makes things... complicated. Buck started to move back and forth in minuscule soothing movements, his hands wringing with growing anxiety. Besides, what happened today eclipses that for now. Not only had he opened his fat mouth about his dyslexia he also told the 118 more than he ever wanted to about his father. His words replayed in his head like a broken record. 

_“I'm mad at him because ten years later I still can't get my shit together, and today someone died because of it. The fucker is dead, Jesus Christ!”_

It definitely wasn’t his finest moment.

Buck is numb as he walks into the kitchen, opens the fridge, and grabs a beer to crack open on the countertop.

His father died two weeks after Abby left. 

A neighbor complained about a smell coming from the apartment under her. After seven more complaints, they were shitty apartments, the super finally went to check. 

Richard Buckley had been dead for a two weeks and a half before they found him in a pool of his own vomit. After his wife passed, Richard became best friends with the bottle and his kidney finally decided to quit. A random insurance company gave him notice, there was no will, and he told them to sell everything and give the profits to whatever bar crawlers his father was calling a family now. 

The same quiet in his heart that came when he got that phone cake washed over him now. His father had stained the one thing Buck never thought he could, the 118. It was an immeasurable loss.

Buck settled back into the couch trying to muster up the energy to walk upstairs, and at least crawl into bed.The emotional rollercoaster he was on left him emotionally exhausted, but his mind was still ready to run circles and circles further into traumatic memories. 

Three hearty knocks sounded suddenly on the door, startling him out of his intrusive thoughts. Buck had barely cracked the door when the eldest Buckley barged through. In her arms she cradled what she effectively dubbed their ‘Parental Disaster Kit’; white wine, a recent adult substitution for what used to be hot chocolate, the movie My Girl, and as many White Cheddar Cheez-Its as fiscally possible.

After the initial shock of Maddie’s sudden appearance, Buck started to unconsciously let his walls down. Maddie, however, was there on a mission. Unlike the rest of the crew, she has a better idea of why Buck is actually hurting.

Richard Buckley has not been a part of Buck’s life in years. This is due to him being trash and, in recent years, dead. Buck figured that the rest of the crew had pieced together that, at the bare minimum, the family, barring Maddie and Buck, were not close. But only Maddie knew the hold the man has over Buck, hell, over her.

In her therapy sessions with Frank she discovered how her learning to accept her father’s “love” led her down a path that ended with Doug. While Maddie learned how to unhealthily compromise from her relationship with Richard, Buck learned how to hide himself. Not only literally, but figuratively as well. He hid his fear, shame, worry, and any other emotion else that Richard made him feel. Buck stuck it deep down where it would never see the light of day. That is, until Maddie would go in and dig it out. 

Which is why when Chimney came home and reluctantly divulged the order of events at the fire station, it was mere seconds before she was kissing his cheek on her way out his door.

A little breathless from carrying an absurd amount of Cheez-Its up the stairs to Bucks apartment she utters a single word as she plops down on to the pleather couch.

“Spill.”

Buck doesn’t know if it was the exhaustion from carrying so much emotional baggage or the loving concern in Maddie’s eyes. He slowly sits next to her and starts talking. He didn’t hold back. She sunk deeper into the couch, a contemplative look on her face. 

“Buck, we both know what this is about,” she took one of his hands in hers while Buck’s other hand dug around the box of Cheez-Its, “what he left you with, is emotional and physical trauma,”

“Someone has been listening to too much Dr.Phil,” Buck interrupts to try and messily cut the tension. 

Maddie rolls her eyes playfully, when they were younger this is what they would do. They couldn’t afford to get help, at least not without endangering themselves. So they deflected and laughed until it didn’t hurt as much anymore.

Chimney told her what the team knew about the event that unfolded in the field. How that seemingly jumpstarted Buck’s behaviour. Chim was in the house patching up Peter, so he didn’t know much. He only saw Buck lose his cool in the middle of dinner, tell everyone he has dyslexia, mention some mystery man who’s dead, and bolt.

Maddie knows how random triggers can be. They both see, or hear, so many heinous things throughout the day. The difference is, Maddie started to go through all of her trauma in therapy after Doug. She doesn’t think Buck ever has. 

“Okay, fine, be a smart ass,” she took the box away from him, “do you want to be able to do your job without what happened today happening ever again?” Maddie finished while locking her eyes with Buck. She knew that it would hit a nerve, but the only way to get to whatever he is burying is to piss him off. 

“I can do the job, Mads.” Buck said matching her stare. 

“Really?”

“Yes.” Buck said except this time it was a little more intense. He turned his body so he was completely facing his older sister. 

“Whatever today was, has never happened to me before,” he motioned to himself emphatically to push his point, “I’m a professional, okay, today was not who I am,”

“Well, then, who was there today? What was so different this time?” Maddie said, riling up her brother. 

Buck popped off the couch, fist balled like he was looking for something to dent. When he looked back down at Maddie’s concerned face, his hands unfurled leaving five little crescent moon marks on each hand. 

“He said that he called him stupid,” Buck hung his head to hide the tears welling in his eyes and instantly Maddie understood who he was. “That, plus this morning, I just didn’t know what to tell him,” 

Buck attempted poorly to choke back tears. “I can’t tell him it gets better,” Buck laughed hysterically, “Its been ten years since I-“ 

Buck may have stopped himself but Maddie knew what he was talking about. It had been ten years since he had been James’ position himself. 

_  
///_

_Buck hadn’t seen Maddie for a whole two years now. Even when she was at college she would visit every weekend and call everyday. She didn’t want to leave him alone too long with Richard._

_At first it was reduced to every month but she still called everyday. After she met Doug, who had the same dead eyes of their father, Maddie fell off the face of the earth. Buck was now the sole recipient of Richard’s “affection”. This was around the same time at school his teachers started to give up on him._

_When he was younger school was a welcome reprieve from his father so he joined everything he could, from academic to physical extracurriculars. Buck would do anything; math club, 4H, basketball, football, soccer, anything Richard didn’t have to pay for and Buck didn’t have to read during. When he had to read his eyes would cross and his head would ache in confusion as the letters began to tap dance across the page. He was clever, so for a while he found his way around it, but in sixth grade Ms.Melvin was the first to see Buck’s lopsided skill set for what it was. Dyslexia._

_She attempted to arrange six parent teacher meetings before finally giving up and talking to Maddie. Maddie was a senior and shared with Buck the privilege of having Ms.Melvin as a teacher. Because of the sweet old english teacher and Maddie’s raw determination, Buck made it through the next couple years of school.  
_

_Unfortunately, Junior year as classload changed, Maddie left and he got more dumb. His dad, who found any reason to make his son feel smaller, made sure there were consequences for every bad grade or failed test. He came to school battered down physically and emotionally, only to get torn down by teachers who didn’t understand how hard he was trying. It seemed like he couldn’t catch a break. No matter what he did, it was never enough._

_So, he started with packing a bag. But as the bag filled and he got closer to leaving his problems behind it started to feel more and more hopeless. His dad and teachers aren’t the problem, he is. He’s the one who can’t seem to do anything right, they just point out his flaws. It’s not their fault that Buck is difficult. Buck's chest started to move up and down rapidly and his heart threatened to leap out his chest.  
_

_All at once, a numbing calm bathed him.The sunlight peeks out behind the horizon over suburbia and floods his room._ _He realizes he can’t outrun himself, but he can escape._

_He threw the packed bag into his closet and turned off his phone after texting his sister one last I love you. He lifted himself out of his window on the second story of his house and onto his roof. The sun was now fully warming his face and his bare feet scraped against the black squares that like the rest of the exterior of the house were meticulously maintained. A well kept ruse for the hell inside. He closed his eyes and turned around ready to let gravity take away his problems._

_Suddenly, the sound of an engine nearing the driveway and cutting out made Buck regain his balance. When he turned around Maddie was standing beside her beat up little red car. Tears in her eyes and a suitcase in each hand._

_They held each other’s eyes for a moment that felt like forever and made a silent vow. We can’t leave each other, not again._

_Maddie broke the promise a week later, Doug came to get her, and her red Honda Civic sat in the driveway for three whole months before Richard pawned it for cash. Buck, never did break the promise, he never tried to escape himself again._

_///_

“I just,” Buck, sat back down, deflated and whimpered, “I still feel so powerless against him, even though I left almost ten years ago. And then I feel stupid-“

“Don’t you dare call yourself stupid,” Maddie said as if she was trying to carve it in to him. 

Their father only ever referred to Buck as stupid, idiot, or dumb. If it weren’t for Maddie, Buck might have grown up thinking one of the three was his name. She tried her hardest to combat the negativity but when teachers and peers started parroting the message, her heartfelt affirmations fell on deaf ears. 

“I know that they’re my family, and they would never think badly of me.” He said thinking of the 118, “But it’s not even about them. When I saw him standing there, out on the balcony, I felt helpless.” Buck almost shocked himself with his honesty. In that moment he realized Maddie was right. 

“You can’t help anyone until you help yourself,” Maddie said, vocalizing Buck’s thoughts. When Buck didn’t say anything back she knew that they were good, and, for now at least. He was not up for talking anymore. 

“Now,” Maddie clapped her hands together and turned the TV on, “remind me what your password is so that we can watch Macaulay Culkin die, and pretend that that is why we are actually crying,”

Buck’s laugh is half hearted but he sits back to watch the movie and thanks whoever is listening for giving him Maddie. 

_///_

The next morning Buck wakes up tucked under a blanket, his body stiff from attempting to cram a 6’ 2’’ frame onto a five foot couch. Buck fell asleep shortly after the movie started, due to his anxiety being eased by his sister’s presence and the sheer exhaustion of a 24 hour shift. Honestly, it was a miracle he stayed awake through the entire conversation last night .

Buck stretched his limbs and let out a generous yawn before standing to make his way to the kitchen. He figured Maddie had left to go back to her apartment and freshen up before her shift at the call centre.

“Eddie texted,” Maddie said, “a lot.”

“Shit!” Buck jumped and exclaimed now fully awake from the surprise, “Mads, what the fuck are you still doing here.” It wasn’t until he looked down and saw what she had in her hand he processed what she said.

“Maddie,” Buck slowly approached her, “don’t be an ass,” he said.

Maddie grinned now knowing whatever she had in her hand was good sibling bait. She waggled Buck’s phone at him teasingly. “He has texted, and called, and left voice messages,” she said as she dodged Buck’s attempt to lunge and grab the phone out of her hands.

Maddie skirted around the kitchen island and stopped directly across from Buck. 

“When I said you had a little crush I was joking, but maybe Eddie might want to weigh in on-“

“No!” Buck cut into her statement violently changing the jovial atmosphere. He took advantage of the dip in mood to snatch his phone out of her hands.

Instantly upon seeing the messages he understood the teasing and a small smile crept onto his face. There were three missed calls from the other man and so many text messages.

_May 4 11:36 pm_

Eds: thanks again for taking my shift!

_Yesterday 12:03 am_

Eds: hey, heard what happened, r u good? Call me when u get this

_Yesterday 12:47 am_

Eds: Call me

_Yesterday 2:29 am_

Eds: I know you don’t want to talk right now, clearly, but I hate to think that you're alone, so just know the only reason I am not there is Chris and the fact that Chim told me Maddie left for yours a couple of hours ago. Anyway I love you so when you are ready to talk, I’m here

_Today 8:48 am_

Eds: Chris found out ur sad (the kid is too damn smart) so he wanted me to send you this, apparently someone is feeling a little better :)

Under the last message is a picture of Chris smiling broadly while holding a drawing of a fire truck with two male figures, presumably Buck and Eddie, standing atop it. Buck stared down at the picture in amazement at this kid who in the middle of his own sickness was able to help Buck.

_(He knows, he knows and he said he loves me, it might be as friends, but he still knows)_

When he looked back up Maddie had a knowing and sympathetic look in her eye. Buck looked away quickly and spoke in a quiet voice

“I love him,” he admitted, “but if I tell him now, while I’m still a mess,” Buck shook his head. He couldn’t afford to lose Eddie and if his childhood or first year of working with 118 taught him anything, it’s that he doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. 

“You said that I needed to help myself before I can help anyone else, and you’re right.” Buck crossed the island that separated them as he spoke, “I have so much going on and as much as I want Eddie to know how I feel. I can’t drag him down with me when this all blows up.” Buck gestures to himself when saying this to indicate the impending disaster he felt he was.

He took a deep breath, “And that is if he even likes-”

“That is not something we can tackle today,” Maddie interrupts, “we are going to get you help, and we’re going to do it together.”

“Good, because I know where we are going to start,” Buck said, more determined than he had ever been. To Buck there was no cause more worthy than the pursuit of Edmundo Diaz.

“How do you feel about a trip to Hershey?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and please comment and leave kudos!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> baby bro: please check on chim if you have time. v srs eds left chris with him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I got into my dream school and shit had been hectic :). Also I really don’t write hella long chapters so just hang in there, ok? There is more coming and it’s gonna be good... I think
> 
> Enjoy and comment!

“Buck, I love you, but that is dumb as shit,” Maddie said.

“Supportive much?” Buck fires back in a sarcastic tone, immediately realizing the childishness in his actions, and digging his heels into the idiotic choice. Buck had spent a lot of his life trying to figure out what made him enough. He traveled all over North America as a construction worker, a cowboy, and a bartender, but he found his worth in firefighting. He finally felt valuable as a member of the 118. Buck found a place where people saw him as worthy of something, anything. 

Then he had to go and have a meltdown in front of the whole team, yet another problem created by his innumerable shortcomings. Going to Hershey is a stupid idea rooted in a pipedream of selfdiscovery, but running away from his problems sounded really good right now.

“C’mon Mads it’ll be like a Hallmark movie, we go back to our small town and learn a hard earned lesson.We can even stop by Dad’s grave and kick some dirt on it,”

“As tempting as that sounds, some places are meant to be left behind, and Hershey is one of those places,” she said as her eyes slowly traveled down to see him clutch his phone even tighter.

Maddie walks around the kitchen island to Buck examining his high-strung posturing carefully. When Maddie left Doug, she wasn’t just escaping from him she was also running to Buck. She had always been the rock in their relationship, but ever since she had come to LA he was the one with the strong roots and sense of direction. Maddie knew that Buck knew LA was home in a way Hershey, Pennsylvania never was. So the random flightiness all of the sudden didn’t make sense. Something was wrong, but-

Buck’s phone buzzed. Buck didn’t check the screen, but he knew Eddie’s name was on the LED screen. His finger hovers over the silencing mechanism for a split second before quieting Eddie’s texts and laying the phone on to the kitchen island’s surface.

“How long do you think you can avoid him?” The question was quiet but the understanding was immense.

Buck sighed exasperated with all of the soul searching he had been doing the night before and now this morning.  
Maddie sighed right back, taking her brother's hand and leading him back to the living room where she had held mere hours before. Maddie wishes he could see the pure love and adoration both of the Diaz boys had for Buck.

“I thought you said that Eddie could wait another day,” he tried to laugh.

Maddie looked at him with the love of an elder sister who raised their younger brother and said, “It’s tomorrow, Buck,” Maddie said.

The silent understanding between the two siblings filled the apartment and Maddie was the first to break the silence.

“You know he won’t judge you right?”

“I know,” 

“And you know he is crazy about you,”

“Maddie there is-”

“He worries about you constantly, Buck,” Maddie said.

“You're his partner in firefighting, parenthood, friendship, and just everyday life, Buck, you both lean on each other.”

Buck scoffs from his position on the couch. He kicks his legs up off the ground and slams his back into the arm of the couch. His mind is brought back to the grocery store and the sharp words tossed back and forth from both parties.

_(you’re exhausting)_

The words carome the deepest corners of Buck’s mind.

“I lean on him, and he let’s me,” Buck nearly mouthed the words to Maddie.

“All I do is take from him. I need him, Maddie, but he doesn’t need me. He has Carla, his aunt and his abuela. He survived without me with Chris, but I couldn’t breathe until I met Eddie. Not really,”

His voice had been building through the expulsion of emotions about Eddie, and as it reached a zenith he realized he was yelling inches away from Maddie’s face. Her clear brown eyes stared into his, filled with tears.

It was quiet for a moment. A gentle moment that ate at the anxiety pouring from Buck’s fingertips. 

Maddie wasn’t cut out of Buck’s life the way the team was, but she saw how it hurt everyone. Even her own brother. Maddie takes Buck’s hand as if to pull him physically to her understanding.

“I don’t know if he loves you, but he trusts you and cares about you. You may think that you do all the leaning, but who was right there when Chris was sick and he had nobody else to take care of him.” She paused to catch his gaze again as he had dropped his head as if it was weighed down from the intensity of Maddie’s stare.

“You, Buck, it was you,” she said, “you were right there to offer your help in a way that Eddie’s stubborn ass could accept it,”

They both let a laugh go, the tension eased slightly. 

“At least talk to him,” Maddie said, “Eddie may love you, or he may not. But how he feels doesn’t rely on your learning disability or any of the rest of your past,”

Buck knows Maddie is right, and if this was anybody else he doesn’t know if this conversation would even be happening. But Eddie has this-

A loud buzzing sound filled the apartment. Maddie and Buck look at eachother in a manner that would have been comical if they didn’t both have a sneaking suspicion of who was at the gate.

Buck hopped over the back of the couch and went for his phone momentarily forgotten on the cold kitchen surface. There were twenty new texts from Eddie and three voicemails. The voice of a frantic Eddie Diaz filled the dead air.

_Beep_

_“I know you want space and Maddie is with you, but I want you to know that I already called Bobby and got you tomorrow off. You need to take a break, and before you say that you don’t need one. Forget about what you need or don’t need, ok? Forget about feeling weak or strong for needing a break. For needing anything, or something, or someone. Have you ever considered that maybe you want one? It’s ok to take what you want. It’s ok if what you want is to rest. If you do some thinking and decide you don’t want that… I don’t care. You are taking a break Evan Buckley, or so help me God I will tie you to a damn bed myself.”_

_Beep_

_“Okay, I talked to Chimney and he told me Maddie never came home. Are you okay? I have never known a Buckley pow-wow to last this long, and I am beginning to get a little worried. Chris has started to feel better, finally, and of course he is chomping at the bit to get to his Buck. Call me when you get this… he would, I mean, we would like to hear your voice. Call me, ok?”_

_Beep_

_“Alright, fuck it, I am on the way to your house right now. I called Chimney and told him to watch Chris. That is how desperate I am Buck. and if Chim does not kill my child, I’m sure Christopher would also have some choice words for you ghosting us.”_

His voice softened.

 _“This isn’t like you, none of it is. The Buck I know doesn’t have mental breakdowns in the middle of the station, only to ignore me for hours and hours... Or maybe all of this_ is _you. Maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought I do… Fuck this, see? I can’t think straight without you. Whatever is going on we can handle it together, right? You got my back I got yours. So answer the damn phone.”_

_Beep_

_“Chim said that Maddie still wasn’t home, so if she’s there, then fuck it, I guess I’ll see her too because I’m coming Buck. Ok? I just... I need to see you,”_

The most recent text message read as such;

Today 11:06 am

Eds: I’m outside

Buck gently laid his phone back down.

“Maddie, you gotta go,”

“Buck I-”

“I can handle this, and I need to talk to Eddie, he deserves all of me right now,” Buck enveloped her hands in his and squeezed. He doesn’t know how honest he even can be with Eddie right now, but he deserves to know.

“Thank you, but you have to go,” Buck said.

Maddie began to round up her things and Buck rushed behind her, sweeping her out the door. Buck had his finger on the button to buzz Eddie up when Maddie turned around to give Buck one last meaningful look before walking out the door.

“There is nothing they wouldn’t do for you, but there is a lot they can’t do. Whatever happens next is up to you,”

Maddie closed the door behind her and headed for the back staircase, there would already be enough awkwardness in the impending conversation. She didn’t need to pile on. Once she had cleared the final set of stairs she heard a text alert sound off from the bottom of her purse.

Today 11:27 am

baby bro: please check on chim if you have time. v srs eds left chris with him

Maddie had never gotten to her car faster.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and please LIGHT UP THE COMMENTS BITCHES  
> \- mads


End file.
